I envy those parents who can live with their rose colored glasses intact. Mine fell off approximately two days after I found out I was pregnant with my first, and I haven’t been able to put them back on since.
I barely got to enjoy the excitement of finding out I was pregnant with our first child before what my doctor called a threatened miscarriage began. I’m not sure how attached other mothers are at that point but I was all in. I was in love with this little baby growing inside of me. The thought of losing that baby before I even got to see or hold it was heart breaking. Thankfully everything turned out fine and I went on to have more complications, but a healthy baby in the end.
After Hannah was born she had a few issues and lots of test, but after all of that she was healthy. And perfect.
I would do anything and everything in my powers to keep her that way.
Then baby number two came along. I’ve already written about many of the struggles with her, but in a nutshell there were a few days after she was born that I thought I was going to lose her.
Now that both are here and in a healthy place, I wish I could say I can put those rose colored glasses back on. But I can’t.
Just this past weekend, Sadie was sick and the doctors thought there might be a chance of a joint infection or some unknown issue. I probably panicked a little more than most parents because I am terrified of her being really sick again.
Then yesterday, Hannah fell off her toy and flat on her back, hitting her head on the floor pretty hard. Some parents might just hug them for a bit and tell them to shake it off. Me? I’m worrying about brain damage. (She was fine)
Although their lives are different I’ve still thought I was going to lose each of them for a couple days. I never want to feel that way again. So I’m very protective, almost over-protective of them. I don’t want anyone or anything to hurt my babies.
I’m realizing though that I will never be able to protect them from everything. Part of being a parent is raising them and sending them out into the world. We all have to trust that we are doing the best for them. Yes, something bad might happen to them. But I can’t live each day as if I’m waiting for it to happen.
For me, I put my trust in God. I believe that he has a greater purpose for their lives, and I trust in his plan. I hope with everything in me that my children outlive me, but if that is not his plan he will give me the strength I need to get through that.
If you are a parent that has had their rose colored glasses stripped from them I hope you are learning with me to stop waiting for something bad to happen. So many precious moments pass right by while we worry what could be. Let’s focus on living in the here and now with these sweet babies we have been blessed with!